#IGotOut and I’m Insecure

This morning I woke up from the most mundane dream. I was back in the cult I was born and raised in. It was a normal day, and I was doing and being nothing special. I was just existing. I woke feeling calm and safe. And then, I remembered.

When I think about the dangers and the destruction caused by cults, especially being born and raised in a cult that is a separatist group, the worst part of my cultic experience is losing my family.

I don't have a family anymore.

I have lost the safety and security, the constancy of having a place to land, of belonging somewhere.

In American culture, the most basic unit of society —besides the individual —is a family. We live in a society wherein generally, we feel no responsibility for one another. The only people were socialized to feel any sort of responsibility towards, is our family of origin. In leaving a cult where my family stayed, that sense of belonging is completely gone. The relief of getting out of a high-control religious group is no relief at all.

When leaving requires disconnection from family, there is a sensation of losing everything. There is no replacement for that loss. It is a hard, even a terrifying thing to be out in a large, dangerous, and hostile world knowing that if I don't take care of myself perfectly if anything were to happen (which it will), if I need support (which I will), there is nowhere to go. It is a feeling of profound isolation, insecurity, and anxiety.

It's not that I want to meet someone and create a new family. That is not a solution, because it isn't the same. What I want is the family that I already had. The family that exists somewhere else, separate from me. What I want is that feeling of belonging and shared responsibility. Yet, I cannot have that. And I experienced deep grief about this every day.

I realize that this, especially feeling this way without being conscious of it, is one of the risk factors of potentially ending up in another cult. This is not only true for me, it is true for everyone who experiences this loss of family, of lack of family, for any reason.

To reduce the risk, that sense of deep insecurity requires a change in American culture. It would require living in a society where we at large feel some sort of responsibility for one another outside of a crisis. Knowing that, if needed, there will be support that doesn't have a timeline, that doesn't expire and, doesn't need to be begged for, or proven. Where there is no power dynamic, or judgment of inadequacy, or failure for having human needs, there is just a sense of responsibility for one another, and of desiring well-being for one another. A commitment to a relationship that lasts a lifetime. Of deep knowing. Of shared history. Of being seen and belonging. It's not about perfection. Its actually just about the mundane aspect of being in a family. Of working together to support our livelihood.

Taking away my family is something the cult did that can never be undone. I've now been without a family for 15 years. That impact, even if we were reunited, can never be undone. Let me state it again, and ask you to sit with the discomfort without judgment. My family can never be replaced. This deep loss is an internal wound, a heart wound, a soul wound. There is no community, there is no group, there are no other people who can replace my family. There is no group I can belong to in which I will feel that same sense of groundedness and connectedness and unquestioned belonging. Even if we aren't the same. Even if we don't agree on everything. Maybe, especially if we don't agree on everything.

For Black Americans, this is even more of a profound loss because the outside world is such a hostile violent place where we are constantly reminded that we don't belong. We are constantly othered here. We are constantly thought of and treated as less-than. The only place where it's possible for these dynamics to have less power without it needing to be philosophical, talked about constantly, or written into systems, community agreements, or bylaws, is within a family.

Having that taken away is the worst feeling imaginable. On the worst days, it takes away my desire for living. And to add insult to injury, in the United States we're not really allowed to talk about this. I'm not allowed to say that I don't feel like I belong on this earth anymore because I have no family. I'm just supposed to get a job and work and learn to take care of myself, by myself. To rely only on myself. I'm not supposed to feel insecure. To be or feel or behave insecurely is a character flaw. But insecurity is not a character flaw, it is just a state of reality.

We can't truly have security in isolation. That is an unreasonable expectation to put on anyone! We are mammals. We require each other. But in our American society, we don't belong to each other. There is so much ‘us versus them’. So much othering. So much judgment. And because life is exceptionally hard without accompaniment, insecurity for those of us without family is a natural consequence of that.

We shouldn't blame or shame people for feeling insecure! Especially Black people who endured hundreds of years of our own people --yes white-bodied people during chattel enslavement -- ripping our families apart until there was no way to find them again. Especially foster children who have been taken from their families for whatever reason. Especially young people who have lost a parent or whose parent was never present. Especially people who have lost family through death. We should not be blaming or judging anyone for feeling insecure.

What we should do instead of blaming and shaming insecure people is: create a society where security is part of the fabric. Instead of blaming people for not having emotional support and constancy, and a sense of belonging that is required to feel secure, we should create a culture where belonging and security as part of our daily practice.

There is no amount of personal development that can replace belonging to a family or a community. There is no amount of self-help that can replace being and belonging in a family. So if this is you, if you are insecure, that is not your fault. You are not defective. But you do live in a defective society. And you are not alone. I am right here with you.

In my lifetime I don't have hope that American culture could change enough for people like me who are without family to feel a sense of family among my fellow citizens. And so on some level I have to accept that for the rest of my life, I will feel that sense of not belonging and of insecurity. Of being a ship wandering with no place to dock. Of knowing that any docking I do will be temporary. There is no place and no moment where I can truly rest. That every connection is temporary. And I am allowed to grieve that. I am allowed to feel insecure because I don't have the basic fundamental thing that I need as a human being: to belong.

So yes, I am claiming it now. I am insecure. And it is not my fault and I am not to blame. And while I can work hard, and hoard resources and pretend to fit in and function, that will never go away. Because the thing that gave me security was taken away by the cult, without my consent, and it can never be replaced. I cannot just go out and get a new family. I don't live in a culture where that is possible. And that is not my doing. So I will allow myself to be insecure, to feel insecure, to express that insecurity without blaming or shaming myself. And I will not receive blaming or shaming from other people for feeling insecure. I will not.